I guess you could say I'm a day late and a dollar short. And really, we're about $2000 short of our goal - but we'll get there. I skipped yesterday for a number of reasons, particularly the number 0.18 (my average blood alcohol content for most of the evening). These emails already sound like a the ravings of a tinfoil hat wearing street preacher who's been drinking lightning creek all morning, so adding a couple of Maker's Mark Slushees (gotta get in the mood for the Derby) just would push the limits of logic, grammar and any semblance of sense. So I'll make up for it with double duty today. DISCLAIMER: I won't actually make up for anything, and, in fact, I'll probably just make things worse.
21...21 is a mirage. It seems like something great, but it might end up lackluster. For example, in Vegas the guy who reaches 21 over 3 cards might lose to a dealer who draws a blackjack (and then you get an annoying dealer who reminds you "the game is called 'Blackjack' and not '21'." Thanks for the advice, guy forced to wear a uniform even carnies gave up decades ago.
21 is the age Americans may legally imbibe, but is that really something to look forward to? How many of you actually had a fun time on your 21st birthday and can remember it? It's one thing or the other: either your 21st birthday is (a) a night filled with unspeakable debaucheries which are unspeakable not because they are disturbing or crude but because you had so many Jagerbombs that you can't speak with any certainty at all on what happened; or (b) a profound disappointment because you aren't having so many Jagerbombs that would cause the aforesaid amnesia. Mine was in the second category. I was stuck on a Leadership UGA tour of Athens "after dark" - a thoroughly misleading title because we could not drink on this tour. It was every bit as terrible as it sounded. Happy 21st! Now go for a tour of the Athens-Clarke County jail, a 24 hour-running ball bearings factory and the Athens Regional Medical Center. Ugh. I should get a total mulligan for that night.
21 is a pretty awesome number for sports here in Atlanta. The Braves retired the number as Warren Spahn's. The Falcons may eventually retire the number as Prime Time's. And the Hawks' owe a major debt of gratitude for their 21, the Human Highlight Reel Dominique Wilkins [ED NOTE: WATCH THIS LINK CLIP IMMEDIATELY!!!]. That said, all of those players are great but bring ahint of regret. Spahn never threw a single pitch in Atlanta - his Braves career spanned Boston and Milwaukee, but not here. Deion was unquestionably the greatest Falcon talent of the Glanville era, and he wore the Falcons' jersey in the classic video for "2 Legit 2 Quit," but he also never really reached his personal bests until he went elsewhere (Super Bowls with San Francisco and Dallas). And 'Nique, well, he's the greatest, but the Celtics too often proved too much, and (though not his fault) now many people who were once Hawks fans walked away when he was traded for 3 months of Danny Manning (THE WORST TRADE IN ATLANTA HISTORY).
Other 21s in sports: the 2 best power forwards of the last decade, Kevin Garnett and Tim Duncan; LaDanian Tomlinson; the late Sean Taylor; miraclemaker Mike Eruzione; and Roberto Clemente.
The 21st Amendment repealed Prohibition, which is possibly the last good thing the federal government ever did.
Century 21 Real Estate has sweet blazers. But once I start talking about mustard colored blazers, you have to know I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. So 21 is just not as good as 33. Let's leave it at that.
ON TO TWENTY!!!
I was thinking about doing 20 questions about 20, but then I realized I would run out of interest myself on, like, question 6. So let's just go random.
20: Barry Sanders, the best running back of my lifetime. Michael Jack Schmidt, the best third baseman of my lifetime. Manu Ginobili, the best flopping Argentinian who plays basketball instead of soccer. Tony Stewart, the best arrogant grumbler in NASCAR history.
20: Matchbox 20 is the hardest rocking band ever. Wait, did I say hardest rocking? Oh, I meant MOST METAL AXE WIELDING EARSLAYING FACEMELTING BAND EVER. Seriously, when you play "It's 3AM I must be lonely" backwards, it says "Dark Lord Baal I serve thee with the souls of the innocent." Rob Thomas had to go solo to preserve his sanity.
20: 20/20 was the television program of choice for countless parents of my generation waiting for their 15 year olds to come home from the movies on Friday nights. At least that's all I remember about it. That and John Stossel getting his mustache knocked off by David Schultz. Heh heh. That was a funny thing to remember.
20: Twenty/20 Cricket is the only format of the sport that comes even remotely close to comprehensible to Americans.
20: The cancellation of MTV's Top Twenty Video Countdown is, without a doubt in my mind, the worst decision in that network's history. How else could I find out what was cool, other than by letting Adam Curry and his leonine locks tell me? And then Daisy Fuentes? Seriously, the fact that MTV rarely shows videos anymore doesn't bother me because even if they did, they wouldn't bother to rank them in an easily tracked format. I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT IS COOL. I'm the guy who thinks Matchbox 20 is thrash metal. I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.
20: According to Wikipedia (so you know it's 100% true), the year 2020 is the year by which the Russian Federation Space program will begin mining Helium-3 on the moon. Let me slow down here because reading this simply blew my mind. First off, the Russians still haven't put a man on the moon. You mean to tell me that within a decade they'll be MINING there? Second, what is Helium-3? Isn't helium the gas that makes balloons fly and voices sound funny? Well, apparently 3He is something that can be used in medical imaging, cryogenic freezing, and most importantly, FUSION POWER. People seriously think that a reasonable energy source to replace fossil fuels is an isotope of Helium that comes from cosmic rays and is deposited "abundantly" on the moon in the amounts of 0.01 parts per million. And that's on the MOON. Here, I've got an idea... a great way to wean ourselves from our coal addiction is to capture the flatulence of Plutonians. As long as we don't give them smallpox or some other human disease, it's a renewable resource! Jeez, science. Come up with something at least reasonable. ASIDE: I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to anything relating to science.
So that's 20. Perhaps our most ridiculous number so far.
In any event, neither 20 nor 21 can come close to the awesomeness of 33. SO JOIN TEAM 33 NOW, BEFORE THE RUSSIANS GET TO THE MOON AND MAKE US ALL LUNAR MINING SLAVES. I really hope that I won't regret writing these jokes.
19 days remain. Heading down the stretch to Arthritis Walk Atlanta. If you can join us on May 22, please do! Bring your friends and family, including dogs. If you can't come to the walk, you can still join TEAM 33 or contribute in any way you'd like. For more information on joining TEAM 33 or contributing, please follow the link below:
http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341
Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Practice the dark arts of non-threatening pseudo-rock like Matchbox 20. And we'll have cake.
19 more emails to come. Will I be able to keep up the pace, or will yesterday's skipping lead to more horrible laziness by me, and greater involvement by you? STAY TUNED AND JOIN TEAM 33!!!
One more thing: A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING TEAM 33 IS IMPENDING. You will be impressed. Or you will question my sanity. More news to come.
If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!
The 21st Amendment repealed Prohibition, which is possibly the last good thing the federal government ever did.
Century 21 Real Estate has sweet blazers. But once I start talking about mustard colored blazers, you have to know I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. So 21 is just not as good as 33. Let's leave it at that.
ON TO TWENTY!!!I was thinking about doing 20 questions about 20, but then I realized I would run out of interest myself on, like, question 6. So let's just go random.
20: Barry Sanders, the best running back of my lifetime. Michael Jack Schmidt, the best third baseman of my lifetime. Manu Ginobili, the best flopping Argentinian who plays basketball instead of soccer. Tony Stewart, the best arrogant grumbler in NASCAR history.
20: Matchbox 20 is the hardest rocking band ever. Wait, did I say hardest rocking? Oh, I meant MOST METAL AXE WIELDING EARSLAYING FACEMELTING BAND EVER. Seriously, when you play "It's 3AM I must be lonely" backwards, it says "Dark Lord Baal I serve thee with the souls of the innocent." Rob Thomas had to go solo to preserve his sanity.
20: 20/20 was the television program of choice for countless parents of my generation waiting for their 15 year olds to come home from the movies on Friday nights. At least that's all I remember about it. That and John Stossel getting his mustache knocked off by David Schultz. Heh heh. That was a funny thing to remember.
20: Twenty/20 Cricket is the only format of the sport that comes even remotely close to comprehensible to Americans.
20: The cancellation of MTV's Top Twenty Video Countdown is, without a doubt in my mind, the worst decision in that network's history. How else could I find out what was cool, other than by letting Adam Curry and his leonine locks tell me? And then Daisy Fuentes? Seriously, the fact that MTV rarely shows videos anymore doesn't bother me because even if they did, they wouldn't bother to rank them in an easily tracked format. I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME WHAT IS COOL. I'm the guy who thinks Matchbox 20 is thrash metal. I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS.20: According to Wikipedia (so you know it's 100% true), the year 2020 is the year by which the Russian Federation Space program will begin mining Helium-3 on the moon. Let me slow down here because reading this simply blew my mind. First off, the Russians still haven't put a man on the moon. You mean to tell me that within a decade they'll be MINING there? Second, what is Helium-3? Isn't helium the gas that makes balloons fly and voices sound funny? Well, apparently 3He is something that can be used in medical imaging, cryogenic freezing, and most importantly, FUSION POWER. People seriously think that a reasonable energy source to replace fossil fuels is an isotope of Helium that comes from cosmic rays and is deposited "abundantly" on the moon in the amounts of 0.01 parts per million. And that's on the MOON. Here, I've got an idea... a great way to wean ourselves from our coal addiction is to capture the flatulence of Plutonians. As long as we don't give them smallpox or some other human disease, it's a renewable resource! Jeez, science. Come up with something at least reasonable. ASIDE: I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to anything relating to science.
So that's 20. Perhaps our most ridiculous number so far.
In any event, neither 20 nor 21 can come close to the awesomeness of 33. SO JOIN TEAM 33 NOW, BEFORE THE RUSSIANS GET TO THE MOON AND MAKE US ALL LUNAR MINING SLAVES. I really hope that I won't regret writing these jokes.19 days remain. Heading down the stretch to Arthritis Walk Atlanta. If you can join us on May 22, please do! Bring your friends and family, including dogs. If you can't come to the walk, you can still join TEAM 33 or contribute in any way you'd like. For more information on joining TEAM 33 or contributing, please follow the link below:
http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341
Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Practice the dark arts of non-threatening pseudo-rock like Matchbox 20. And we'll have cake.
19 more emails to come. Will I be able to keep up the pace, or will yesterday's skipping lead to more horrible laziness by me, and greater involvement by you? STAY TUNED AND JOIN TEAM 33!!!
One more thing: A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING TEAM 33 IS IMPENDING. You will be impressed. Or you will question my sanity. More news to come.
If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!
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