Countdown to Glory: 22 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 22 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

1/3 of the way to the walk and the world has been scorched by the heat of TEAM 33. Sure, it's been subtle, but you've seen it. For the ladies of TEAM 33, it was the handsome dude who offered you the living section at Starbucks, and the crossword hadn't even been completed yet. For the guys, it's the way the Ethiopian lady at the snack counter in the food court "accidentally" gave you an extra quarter of change. It's in the way that other cars seem to let you merge at your convenience. It's in the way the McDonald's drive through gives you adequate packets of ketchup without making you beg like a child. It's in the way the kid behind the counter at Blockbuster actually believes you when you tell him that you returned "Hot Rod" on time and they must've lost it. In a word: RESPECT. TEAM 33 gets it. TEAM 33 expects it. People know to give it. And now that you know the benefits, it's time to sign on and get your share. RESPECT.

22 is a number that gets respect. Sure, it's not 33, but it's like our little brother, a smaller multiple of 11.

22 is the jersey number of Emmitt Smith, the all time leading rusher. It's also the number of Clyde "The Glide" Drexler. And reigning Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram. And impending Rookie of the Year and multiple-time champion of KRAKEN lookalike contests, Jason Heyward (are we going with "the J-Hey Kid" or the "KRAKEN"?). And for one of the oddball things I did not know until today, 22 was the jersey number of high school basketball player, Vice Presidential candidate and former half-term governor Sarah Palin.

22 is probably the favorite number of America's MCs. Jay-Z can rhyme 22 twos in a single verse. Ludacris "can't lose with 22s". Often it is the genius of the wordsmith to create an ambiguity that can taunt and bewilder the listener with multiple clever interpretations. For example, can Luda not lose with .22 caliber ammunition, or with his 22 inch rims? The true answer may be left to the audience, a dance floor onto which we lead the diction out, twirl it, dip it, have a few moments of awkward eye connection, and then take the diction home for an evening neither of us would ever forget. We were talking about guns and rims, right?

22 has the best nicknames for a number ever. For example, DEUCE-DEUCE, as in the smaller sized malt liquor bottles frequently sold in 22 oz. portions. This is probably the ideal size - a 40 oz. just gets too hot by the time you get to the bottom unless you are drinking really fast, but isn't the true purpose of malt liquor to savor the delicious craftsmanship of the brewer?

Or how about "DOUBLE DEUCE"? Of course, we all know the Double Deuce well as the finest establishment to wet one's whistle in Jasper, Missouri. Where else are you going to have a house band featuring Jeff Healey on slide guitar, a former bartender who happened to be the founder of one of the most influential punk bands of all time, and a deposed cooler who is a member of multiple Professional Wrestling Halls of Fame? Sidle up to the bar and see if you can catch any of the rays of enlightenment beaming from the current cooler, a philosophy-reading, yoga-performing, doctor-seducing mullet-master named Dalton. A renaissance man who can only offer nuggets of wisdom like "pain don't hurt."

Or perhaps you'll be lucky enough to find yourself gently caressed by the perfectly groomed mustache hairs of "legendary" cooler Wade Garrett. Just don't try to perform a striptease on stage, or hijack a shipment of liquor, or drive a monster truck through a used car dealership. Bad things will ensue, and uppance shall come.

So 22 is probably the first number on this countdown that can stand on the same ground as 33. We'll let the little guy tag along. Jason Heyward, malt liquor, and Roadhouse are about as good as it gets.

So we have just 22 more days to get as many people involved in Arthritis Walk Atlanta as possible. If you can join us, please do! Bring your friends and family, including dogs. If you can't come to the walk, you can still join TEAM 33 or contribute in any way you'd like. For more information on joining TEAM 33 or contributing, please follow the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Fight arthritis pain as if you were Sam Elliott wearing white denim and punching hillbillies who've had a few too many. And we'll have cake.

21 more emails to come. What ridiculous movie from your childhood will I cite tomorrow? STAY TUNED AND JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 23 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 23 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

Yesterday was so weak on my part. Sickness cannot stop this juggernaut. Apologies.

24 quickly: Willie Mays, Rickey Henderson, Jeff Gordon, Kobe and the two best both-ways football players in modern college football history - Charles Woodson and Champ Bailey.

It's the number amendment that abolished the poll tax.

2024 is the year for the setting of Highlander II: THE QUICKENING, a movie so wonderful that the film's director walked out of the premiere not 15 minutes in.

Wouldn't you like to know more about 24? Yes, BUT I'LL NEVER TELL YOU WHERE THE ESOTERIC TRIVIA IS HIDDEN! THAT'S RIGHT! THOUSANDS WILL DIE IN A FIERY HORRORSCAPE DUE TO THE FACT I WON'T REVEAL ANY MORE STUPID FACTS! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, JACK BAUER! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Wait, what are you doing with that mitre saw? No, wait, why are you grabbing my achilles' tendon? Oh, I get it, you think you can scare me into more bad jokes and useless stuff. WELL YOU CANNNN HEY THAT HURT YOU JERK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT NO I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE WARHEAD IS OR WHO TOOK YOUR DAUGHTER/MISTRESS/COMPUTER TECH AND WHY ARE YOU POINTING THAT FLAMETHROWER AT MY CROTCH????!!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that 24 is kind of great in some ridiculous ways, but WAY WAY WAY past its prime in others.

Now, about 23...

Jordan. I know I'm in the minority here. Sure, he's probably the best ever, but he also bothered me to no end. He got every call. He browbeat opponents, refs, coaches and his own teammates. He created 2 generations of players who cared more about clearing out to go one on five and try to make Sportscenter. Liked the era of Vince Carter, Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury and Isaiah Rider? Thank Jordan. Like the fact that shoe companies get more loyalty out of players than teams do, and sometimes even countries? Thank Jordan. He was driven to greatness, but it took being kind of a jackfoot to get there. OK. Rant over.

On the other hand, Lebron. Dude is the truth. But he's changing his number at the end of this season. Meaning the ultimate basketball prototype even realizes that the number is lacking.

Others who don 23: Don Mattingly. Ryne Sandberg. David Beckham. The Gunners' Russian ingenue Andrei Arshavin (SHHHH!!!). Perhaps the greatest cricketer of all time, Shane Warne.

"The Number 23" is a pretty terrible Jim Carrey movie.

23 is one of the numbers that made Hugo Reyes rich, Desmond Hume crazy, and me confused.

Julius Caesar is purported to have been stabbed 23 times. The lesson: do not taunt soothsayers. They work their whole lives with their hands covered with animal entrails and poring over bird droppings. Men like that can really mess with you.

Finally, there's Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Each time I hear those words, I feel humbled, comforted and inspired.

10 days ago, I couldn't have dreamed the response TEAM 33 has gotten from all of you. Your support for people with arthritis humbles, comforts and inspires me. And we're nearly halfway to our goal. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. And if you haven't yet joined TEAM 33 (to walk, to help raise funds or awareness, or just to contribute), there's still plenty of time but why wait? The sooner you join, the more time you have to spread the word further! You can sign up and get more information at the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk, which will be held in the friendly confines of Atlantic Station, not the valley of the shadow of death. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Soothsayers envision you there, having a great time. And we'll have cake.

22 more emails to come, and some of them may even be written not under the influence of NyQuil. Whether or not that would improve these missives is yet to be determined. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 24 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 24 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

Too sick to write. Just know that we're over a third of the way to the goal and I'm incredibly grateful for all of you. Please spread the word further! If you haven't yet joined or contributed, you can use the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. And we'll have cake.

23 more emails to come, and I'll probably come back to 24, at least briefly. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 25 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 25 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

My annoyance of you must abate for a moment. 2 sick kids and i have no voice. Something's got to give, and I figured now is as good a time as any to see if me shutting up would raise more money. Today's abridged version can be the control. SCIENCE!

25: Andruw Jones, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds all wore the number, which clearly means 25 has something hidden meaning like "I am a massive cheater who is 80% horse steroids and with anabolic steroids.

25th Hour was a not-entirely frustrating Spike Lee movie.

25 cents in a quarter and quarters allow us to play skee ball and earn multiple tickets which can be exchanged for things that cost significantly less than a quarter (a transaction Goldman Sachs envies).

Twenty Five is the name of George Michael's greatest hits album, but can it really be considered his "greatest" if it didn't include my own performances of "Father Figure" at law school parties (OK, let me have a little digression here: I only had to break out Father Figure or Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror because the parties were so burdened by the self-importance of law students that something simply had to be done to ridicul-ify things and loosen people up; don't laugh until you've seen our house full of people jamming out to Sisqo, emptying our bottles of tequila and raiding our freezer for the Sam's Club sized box of icee-pops).

Alright, that's enough. All these emails lately have made me feel like I'm your preacher, teacher, anything you had in mind. Must cut this off now. I'm reaching for the tylenol sizzurp and going to bed.

Regardless, start with the man in the mirror, ask him to make that change and help the millions of people affected by Arthritis. No message could come in any clearer: if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Put your tiny hand in mine. And we'll have cake.

24 more emails to come. If my throat stays like this, they might be my only method of communication. That's just disappointing for everyone. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 26 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 26 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

I have no idea who hacked into my email account yesterday, but his grammar was TERRIBLE. Apologies to all.

Just got back from DC tonight, and 26 is pretty much the lamest number I've faced so far, so let's do this checklist-style:

Jersey Numbers? Snooze. Rod Woodson, Wade Boggs and Chase Utley are about as good as it gets. Also there's disgraced England and Chelsea footballer John Terry. Maybe you don't know who that is, but when the US plays them in South Africa this summer, you'll hate hate hate hate him 10 minutes into the game, if not sooner.

From History? Well, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826. That might've caused the crack in the Liberty Bell. Hugh Hefner was born in 1926. Yeah, I'm kind of impressed. He was pretty much the only person on Wikipedia's list of famous people born in 1926 who is still alive. And kicking. The 26th Amendment gave 18 year olds the right to vote. Considering what 18 year olds these days seem like, perhaps we made a mistake there.

Teddy Roosevelt was the 26th President, and he's totally awesome. 10 Amazing Facts about Teddy Roosevelt:

1) He had an eidetic memory but that didn't make him a nerd.

2) He was a successful college boxer and continued boxing until he suffered a detached retina in a match WHEN HE WAS GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.

3) As a Sunday School teacher, he was once reprimanded because he slipped a dollar to a kid who beat up a bully. Praising ethical violence in church with money. And he ended up with a Nobel Peace Prize.

4) He graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard and started Columbia Law School but had the good sense to quit before it infected his very essence.

5) He graduated from college in 1880, entered public life in 1881, and announced that he was "retiring" to the Dakotas in 1884. HE RETIRED 4 YEARS INTO HIS CAREER. AWESOME!!!

6) While in the Dakotas, he filled his time hunting down horse thieves. The world's most dangerous game is... MAN!

7) One of his best friends was Seth Bullock, the incredibly rad sheriff of Deadwood. That's right, one of his best friends was a guy who told Wyatt Earp to get lost and Earp actually listened. Bullock was so tough that in his 50s, he was a captain in the Rough Riders in the Spanish American War. That's the Timothy Olyphant character in the HBO series. Teddy's best friend.

8) He was an avid singlestick player. No, I didn't know what singlestick was either. It's like fencing with canes. And apparently you're allowed to hit the crap out of your opponent.

9) He got shot on the campaign trail in 1912 but, using his hunting knowledge, correctly surmised that the bullet hadn't gotten to his vital organs and refused to go to the hospital. The bullet had been slowed by a 50 page speech he was planning to give, and he actually did give. He spoke at a campaign event for 90 minutes, all the while bleeding. They never took the bullet out.

10) For his second honeymoon, he climbed Mont Blanc. For comparison, on my honeymoon I got terrible sunburn and Montezuma's revenge and thought I'd been tested by fire.

WHAT A TOTAL B.A. Tell me you can read that list and think that any of the last 10 presidents would do anything more than soil himself in the presence of Teddy Roosevelt. "Yeah, George, nice work on that brush. I sure can't do that because I've got a detached retina and a bullet in my chest. But you've got those scrapes from falling off a segway and that pretzel nearly killed you, so we're pretty much the same." "Hey Barry, I liked the nice crease you had on your nipple-high jeans when you bounced that changeup on opening day. Myself, I can't seem to keep a nice crease in my jeans, what with all the HORSE THIEF BLOOD caked in there. Like hoops? How about some 2 on 2? You can have Reggie Love. I'll take my buddy Seth here who hangs people in defiance of armed lynch mobs. We might be 90 and 100 years dead, respectively, but you still might not want to tiptoe into the paint, if you know what I mean."

Our presidents are so boring these days. Sigh.

OK, Teddy Roosevelt can be an honorary member of TEAM 33. But just about everything else about the number 26 is lame-o.

So join Teddy's mustache and the rest of TEAM 33 and help the millions of people affected by Arthritis. We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Win a Nobel Prize in Badassery. And we'll have cake.

25 more emails to come. No need to wait any longer though. Just do it. C'mon. All the cool, dead presidents are doing it. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 27 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 27 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

I'm gonna do something a little different tonight. I'm not here to talk trash about 27 compared to 33. You probably already knew that - 27 is a sad year for most. It was the age Kurt Cobain, Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin died. It's thenumber of World Series wins the New York

Yankees have bought. So don't even worry about 27 being worse than 33. It is.

Instead, I'm going to go personal on this. 27 was how old I was the year I proposed to my wife. Under incredibly romantic circumstances, I pulled the ring out from my glove compartment, car parked in the garage got down on one knee (careful to avoid spilled motor oil) and told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. My wife and I have a special relationship when it came to marriage. See, on our very first date she kind of proposed to me. We were in the embryonic stages of just getting to know one another, and she had told me that s

he had been diagnosed with lupus (an auto-immune disease related to arthritis). Apparently in her college years she'd run into a couple of relationships where once her lupus had come up, cool breeze college dudes weren't as interested in her. I'm not sure what exactly I said in response to her (I was trying to impress her with my uncanny ability to pair multiple bottles of wine with each of the tapas before us), but apparently it wasn't the frightened running away she'd heard before. She said "oh, so you're the guy I'm supposed to marry."

First date. True story. And I don't want to be too hard on the previous suitors, because I'd be lying if the fact she has lupus didn't affect our lives (naturally hers more than mine). Lupus is a challenge. It affects her entire body, physically and emotionally. Somedays it hurts to get out of bed. Somedays it feels like someone is pressing down on her shoulders, trying to make her kneel. Somedays she's worried about wearing white, because she doesn't want to ruin her shirt in case she gets a nosebleed. Somedays she feels like she can't do at all what everyone on earth her age seemingly can do with ease. And that hurts, emotionally. Lupus is a chronic illness, and it's not going away soon. She has to deal with it every day, and I need to do my part too.

So back to 27, there I was, proposing to her. And I am 100% honest with you when I say that the fact she has lupus did not cross my mind as I knelt in the garage. I love her no matter what. What lupus does to her body only adds to my love for her - my respect for the challenges she overcomes, my pride when she fights through every tough day.

Fast forward three years. Kerry is now 27. And she's pregnant with my daughter Claire. When first diagnosed, Kerry didn't think she'd ever have kids. And it's easy to see why, as an observer of what pregnancy does to someone with lupus. Pregnancy is brutal on any woman's physique. It move bones around, adds weight where the body isn't used to it, wreaks havoc on digestive systems, causes massive emotional and psychological stress. And for someone with lupus, all those areas aren't exactly running at full capacity under non-pregnant circumstances.
See, there's a shorthand equation we throw around at the AF: losing one pound of weight reduces the pressure on each knee by 4 pounds. It's a motivation tool to get people moving and in better shape to reduce the risk of joint pain. Well, my wife felt excruciating joint pain when she was in diesel shape. Tack on the weight that a baby brings, and there's serious joint pain constantly assaulting her. Plus, take away normal sleep patterns (because sleeping on your

stomach isn't possible). And you can't eat a lot of things that make you feel good. Pregnancy stinks for anyone. It's horrendous for someone with a chronic illness. I'm not trying to elicit sympathy for her, just telling it how it is for anyone in her position.

So here she is, taking the brunt of incredible pain and stress, trying her damnedest to get the baby here. But, as is the case with almost every expectant mother who has a chronic illness, there are always complications. High blood pressure suggests preeclampsia. Pain and other symptoms suggest that, aside from the negative impact of having a baby growing inside of her, she's been facing a particularly virulent lupus flare.

Thankfully, Kerry has good doctors - perinatologists who know how rough lupus can be when paired with pregnancy - who know what to look out for and how to make things a little easier along the way. But good doctors couldn't keep her from nearly 3 weeks in the hospital immediately prior to the early-induced birth. Or the two prior admissions to the hospital.

That's just what a chronic illness does. It's not something she asked for, but it's something she was sure as hell going to overcome to get Claire here healthy.

And that's just what my 27 year old beautiful wife did. She fought her hardest and gave birth to an amazing 6 pound 3 ounce girl who didn't even have the common courtesy to look like the mother who worked so hard getting her here.

So that's what 27 means to me. It's the year I proposed to my wife. Though it wasn't even in the furthest reaches of my mind at the time, it was the year I signed on to fight lupus side-by-side with her. I'd never say that it affects me 1/1000th as much as her, but I'd also be lying if I said lupus didn't affect me at all. But I'll take it on, learning from the example my wife shows. And 27 is the year she really showed it. Lupus made her life miserable, and tried its worst to take away our daughter. But because of my wife's faith, strength and will, lupus lost this battle.

If my first 6 emails have you wondering if I think all this fundraising for the Arthritis Walk is just a joke, well, I haven't really given you the whole story up to now. See, just because the signature at the bottom of this email shows that I work for the Arthritis Foundation, it doesn't mean that this is just a job for me. I've seen the effects of chronic illness first hand. I know that because of research and public health programs funded by and supported by the Arthritis

Foundation, more doctors know how to deal with rheumatic diseases - more doctors like the perinatologists who helped save my daughter's and my wife's lives 3 years ago.

And my son's and my wife's lives just a year ago too.

Every dollar we raise, and every person we can reach by spreading the word really does mean more than I could possibly put into words. This isn't a just a laughing matter, or a job, to me. It's every breath my family takes. It's every smile I see on their faces. It's every Friday night on the back porch grilling burgers while my wife sips a cold one, my daughter blows bubbles and my son laughs his head off at her. It's not just improving the lives of 46 million Americans with a form of arthritis, it's about everything that means anything in my life.

So join TEAM 33 and help the millions of people, like my wife, my kids and me, who are affected by Arthritis. We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Homebrew a delicious chelada-style lager with the salty tears shed while writing this email. And we'll have cake.

26 more emails to come. No, they won't all be like this going forward. Unless it works and more people JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 28 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 28 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

4 weeks until the big day. I am tingling with anticipation. Let's cut to the chase. 33 rules, 28 does not rule as much.

There are 28 days in a lunar month, but how convincing is the moon if only one month went along with that time length, and only 75% of the time at that? And it's the coldest, rainiest, most miserable month. The moon is not a good advocate for itself. Moon, if you can't even fight for yourself, you are not welcome on TEAM 33. We stand up convincingly for our cause.

28 is the atomic number for nickel. I knew a guy who would describe people he thought less than attractive as "looking like he/she'd been hit in the face with a sack of nickels." That isn't a nice thing to say, but I kind of like it because it sounds like something a depression-era hobo would say because he'd seen it happen a bunch of times. Hey... That sounds like a pretty good idea. We create a TV show where 2 hobos fight to the death using only sacks of nickels, and the winner/survivor gets to keep both sacks of nickels. We stage the fights in an old railyard, hopefully near a newly-gentrified area. We convert the terminal to a hipster bar for the studio audience (and we charge exorbitant cover charges because hipsters really love hobos). Production costs would be low because nickels are kind of heavy but still just 5 cents. And hipsters willingly drink PBR or High Life. And we can ply hobos with watered-down used antifreeze. HELLO TV DEVELOPMENT DEAL!!! Anyone who steals this idea has to donate the massive profits to arthritis research.

28 is the jersey number for some pretty awesome running backs - Marshall Faulk, Warrick Dunn, and the Zulu Cthulhu Chris Johnson.

28 Days Later might be the greatest zombie movie ever made (or at least the best one that didn't feature Simon Pegg and Nick Frost). That scene where Brendan Gleeson gets some zombie rage blood in his eyes and has to tell his daughter to stay away as they're just yards away from what appeared to be safety... just, dang. I need to see that movie again.

Now that I look at the evidence, 28 is pretty solid. Just not 33. 33 is the best ever.

28 on the countdown means that we have just 4 weeks to spread the word about Arthritis Walk Atlanta. Please join TEAM 33 and use these 4 weeks to spread the word about the walk and all the good we can do to improve the lives of people with arthritis. We're only about 1 week in and I've been astounded by the support so far. If we can match or do better than this in each of the next 4 weeks, we can do so much.

We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Decapitate the ultra-fast and mega-strong zombie that is indifference to arthritis. And we'll have cake.

27 more of these emails are coming your way. Admit it, you're even starting to enjoy these. I can say that with confidence because there's no way you've read this far if you don't like these at least a little bit. I'm on to you. Now you know I have mind-reading powers. I can use those powers for good or bad. Do you want to test me? JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 29 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 29 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

4 days in and we're already in the top 10? Unbelievable! Team 33, you are absolutely killing it. We're more than a quarter of the way to our goal. I'm amazed. I'm inspired. I'm proud. I'm ready to kick in into a higher gear. Take a look at the Team Page. You'll see the name Laurie Edmondson - my sister in law. She joined TEAM 33 and promoted the cause to an entirely new group of friends, family, etc. Over the last few years, she's lived in Michigan, California, Alabama, South Carolina, Ghana and Cote d'Ivoire. She has friends all over the world - ripe opportunities for TEAM 33 expansion. And she's sent out messages to her contacts, driving more people to pitch in. Best of all, she's found a way to do it by actually appealing to the good in people, and not by relying on cheap jokes, self-effacement and lazy wikipedia searches.

The thing is that Laurie is a perfect example of how TEAM 33 can go from flamethrower hot to thermonuclear liquifying. TEAM 33 can be a hundred-headed hydra. See, we're just 4 days into the countdown and already I'm tired of my own schtick and promoting donation by promising to not annoy people further. If TEAM 33 were a singular entity, it'd be easy to destroy. But if I bore/annoy/disgust/offend people, repelling prospective team members or contributors from any involvement, there could be dozens more of you to step right in and use TEAM 33's awesomeness to involve more and more people. Cut off one head, 2 more grow in its place. But not even Hercules can match our strength.

Anyway, it's Friday. Things are going great for TEAM 33 and they'll only get better as things continue. And we're on 29, one of the weakest numbers ever. There's no reason to write a book here.

On the 29th day of October in the 29th year of the last century, the New York Stock Exchange set a record for trading volume that would stand for nearly 40 years. The reason: for the second day in a row, the market would tumble. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell by more than 11%, following the previous day's loss of nearly 13%, at the time the two worst losses in the history of the market (and even considering today's turbulent times, those two days are still 2nd and 3rd worst all time, in terms of the percentage loss). Black Tuesday. $14,000,000,000 of market value was lost that day. The US economy would take decades to recover. The number 29 evokes that day. The rest of the year was pretty much terrible. Mussolini consolidated fascist power in Italy, Stalin exiled Trotsky and became entrenched in the Soviet Union, and the economic crash basically killed the Weimar Republic and drove millions of unemployed and disgruntled Germans to the exploitative arms of Hitler's Nazi Party (which grew by 800% in 1929). What a horrible, horrible year.

29. Definitely not in the same league as 33. Not even close. But don't let that prevent you from getting fired up about TEAM 33 and keeping up the pace.

We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Create your own sub-team and spread the word to your friends and family. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Undo the Gordian Knot of lameness with the sharpened sword of badassery. And we'll have cake.

28 more of these emails are coming your way. Probably 2 more of them immediately following this one as you read your emails at work Monday morning. I have a good sense that these messages are going to seem like overkill when you read them all at once. Predictions: (1) Monday is TEAM 33's biggest contribution day ever, and (2) I have to spend about an hour sifting through "TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST NOW" emails and revising my distribution list. But if that kind of time drain on Monday means that TEAM 33 is raising a lot of vital funds to fight arthritis, I'll take it. In fact, that sounds like a future fundraising gimmick: the person who raises the most money on a particular day gets to choose a creative way to annoy/inflict pain upon me, and I will do it. Sounds like poetry to me. I've been annoying you into raising money, and now you can raise money with the incentive of getting to annoy me in an amusing way. Perhaps I need to get back on track with what the real reason for this walk is. Regardless, JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 30 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 30 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

GIANT DAY TODAY. HUGE. QUICKLY. Handful of new team members and we've nearly doubled our total donations. LIKE I EVEN NEED TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOU RULE TEAM 33!!!
Gotta be quick today. It's a Thursday, so I had to spend a lot of time getting ready for "Private Practice" and deciding whether the sauvignon blanc is better paired with the gruyere or the camembert. HA! Y'all know I'm just kidding. Way too obvious a joke. SHARP CHEDDAR ALL THE WAY! Sure, maybe I'll slum with a colby jack, but gruyere? Whatevs.

30 days to the walk.
30 is varied.

Some 30s are good, like Nolan Ryan's jersey number when he played for the Angels. 30 Rock is pretty funny, even though I fear its best days are behind it. ESPN'S 30 for 30 documentary series has been surprisingly good, especially "The U" and the one about the USFL where Rick Neuheisel sang the San Antonio Gunslingers' fight song.

30 St. Mary Axe is the [totally metal sounding] address for what might be the coolest looking building in London, the "gherkin". Seriously. Go do a Google image search. In my dreams, all cities have a skyline of only buildings that look like that. I am 30 years younger than my wonderful (TEAM 33 MEMBER) mother, and I am 30 years older than my wonderful daughter.

But other 30s are pretty terrible. 30 pieces of silver for Judas. Hippies are always ranting on about how you shouldn't trust anyone over 30, which I don't appreciate as much since I became untrustworthy 35 months ago. Real tolerant there, flower kids.

And perhaps least interestingly, the existentialist philosopher Albert Camus wrote that when a man turns 30, it is a crucial period because he will gain a new awareness of the meaning of time. I mean, what kind of gibberish is that? Awareness of the meaning of time? Is that bogus pseudointellectualist madlibs: (intangibly subjective noun) + (imperceptibly vague concept)? Ever since I've been 30 all I notice about time is that my kids have absolutely no concept of it whatsoever. 3:45 AM is not a good time to eat, Finn! I didn't need to turn 30 to figure this out, I just needed to have kids, which, wait... the mystics required me to reach 30 before I had them!!! CAMUS IS A GENIUS! Now I realize why Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton, Jr. were so impressed with French inventions. I might just have some crepes for breakfast tomorrow.

So in honor of existentialism and the number 30, we all should individually assume the responsibility for giving life meaning. We should live our lives with authenticity and sincerity. We should, as Kierkegaard wrote, "find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die." How about this as my truth: it is an inherent good to live your life for the betterment of others. And if that inspires you, even a little, then here's one way you can seek that truth: join me on TEAM 33 to raise awareness and work to find a cure for arthritis-related diseases. 1 in 5 American adults struggle with with one of the more than 100 forms of arthritis every day. If I can work to make their days a little easier, that's an existence I'll enjoy.

Join me at Arthritis Walk Atlanta on May 22, 2010, 10:00 AM at Atlantic Station. If you can't make it, your support is greatly appreciated! We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Immortality is at your fingertips. Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Feel the warm embrace of gnosis. And we'll have cake.

And I'm not giving up. 29 more of these emails are coming your way. Don't fight this. Embrace it. Spread the word. Join TEAM 33!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 31 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 31 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

It has occurred to me that I may be burying the lede on these emails, and that a few of you may not have read all the way to the bottom of the previous updates before deleting. Well, let me open with the most important information for those of you who do not really want to continue receiving these updates.
Do not fret. This correspondence can stop immediately if you would like it to. All you have to do to make this annoyance disappear is the following two things: (1) go to the website for TEAM 33 that I have linked below and either join TEAM 33 or donate any amount to TEAM 33, and (2) reply to this email (or any of the updates) and tell me you do not want to continue receiving these emails. Do those two things and you will not get any of the impending 30 messages.

Now, if you are a glutton for punishment and want to continue receiving these ridiculous emails, you don't have to wait until the day of the walk to join or contribute to ensure that you'll keep getting the updates. Even once you sign up, I'll keep you on the distribution list until you tell me to stop.

I suppose here's the spot where I need to insert some legal disclaimer about how these emails are not intended to be spam. If you really want to stop receiving these emails, the prospect of clicking the "delete" button is just too burdensome, and you simply cannot bring yourself to nominally support a great cause, I will oblige. I cannot vouch for your inability to sleep at night due to all the regrets you'll have for missing out on being a part of TEAM 33. [Now THAT'S how you do a disclaimer!]

One more clarification: You do not have to attend the walk to join TEAM 33. You don't have to do the actual walk even if you attend. You don't have to join the team to make a contribution, and you don't have to make a contribution in order to join the team (though, y'know, this is still a fundraiser, so I hope you do make a contribution). I know how busy the spring is for everyone, so please don't feel like you can't be a part of this great endeavor just because you have a scheduling conflict. JOIN JOIN JOIN!

So, moving on. The countdown continues. People are getting excited about TEAM 33, and other teams are starting to worry. Team Take Control (an annual leader among walk teams) held a kickoff today, and there was a rumbling concern over the prospect that TEAM 33's awesomeness will overshadow all other teams. Team Troutman Sanders, led by Dan Ludlam, will sense the same trepidation tomorrow at their kickoff.

The truth is this, though: other teams need not fear. TEAM 33 is a benevolent ruler. TEAM 33 cowers to no one, and will not bind the hands of others. We hope all other teams succeed in gaining members and raising funds (it's all going to the same place). We cannot abide by one thing though: the suggestion that any other team will perform with the sort of class, skill, intellect and machismo that TEAM 33 shows daily. As the immortal poet Shawn Carter once said (I paraphrase to avoid email censors), "you gotta little dough, that's cool with me; but none of y'all can fool with me." We wish the other teams well, but they shouldn't press their luck. Gauntlet, thrown. Also: Dan, I've been informed that you can join 2 teams. So you've got that going for you.

31 days to the walk.

I'm sure you're thinking of the 31 Flavors at Baskin Robbins, but they have way more than 31 flavors now - seasonal flavors, flavors of the month, etc. If even Baskin Robbins can't stand behind the number 31, you just have to know that it's not as great a number as 33.

31 is known for one awesome thing, though: it's the jersey number of my favorite Atlanta Brave of all time, Greg Maddux. Well, he's my favorite Brave until this season. Last night, a number of prospective TEAM 33 members and I went down to the Ted. When Jason Heyward golfed out the tying homer with one out in the ninth, the Mad Dog may have slipped into second. Side note: as many as 8 future members of TEAM 33 could be seen on ESPN's SportsCenter last night - the #1 highlight of the night! The game winning homer landed directly in front of us. [UPDATE: LOOK FOR THE RED JACKET] That's right, the power of TEAM 33 extends to affecting the results of baseball games. Was this a coincidence? Of course not. TEAM 33 rules so much that our gravitational pull turned a substandard Nate McLouth (really!) bloop single into an earth-shattering home run.

Wait, where was I? Oh. Maddux. Yes. He was fantastic. And he's the only professional athlete/celebrity I've ever been told I look like. It's probably the glasses, doughy abdomen, lack of a jawline and semi-sarcastic speech pattern. But hey, 355 wins, over 3000 strikeouts, future hall of famer! And I look sort of like him! Good enough for me.

Maddux was great, and everyone loves ice cream, but 31 still isn't as as great as 33. Perhaps we'll get an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins to celebrate my birthday on May 22, but that day is all about 33 - and the millions of people fighting arthritis pain.

So if you haven't done so already, mark your calendars for Arthritis Walk Atlanta on May 22, 2010, 10:00 AM at Atlantic Station. Come join me in a 1 or 3 mile walk to raise awareness and help find a cure for arthritis and the dozens of arthritis-related diseases. All ages and ability level are welcome and dogs too. If you can't make it, your support is greatly appreciated!

Arthritis is the number one cause of disability for American adults and affects over 45 million people. Chances are that you or someone very close to you has a form of arthritis. Every day the Arthritis Foundation is working to improve the lives of people with arthritis and get closer to a cure. We can definitely use your help!

We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

Become legendary. Join TEAM 33. Sign up. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. The ghosts of Renaissance painters will howl, wishing for the return of their limbs to be able to paint your visage. And we'll have cake.

30 more of these emails are coming your way. And I assure you, they WILL get more esoteric, bizarre and confusing. But they will still arrive daily until you take action. There is an easy way to make this annoyance stop. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

Please spread the word to anyone you know - you can feel lucky (maybe? just a little?) for being in my contacts list, but there are thousands of others out there fantastic enough to join TEAM 33. Feel free to promote Arthritis Walk Atlanta to everyone you know.

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 32 to go

THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES. 32 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

Yes, I’m making good on the threat. The countdown rolls on. That rumbling you’ve been hearing isn’t just Eyjafjallajokull, but the rolling juggernaut that is TEAM 33.

We’re well on our way to utter donation domination. Already we’re already past 10% of our goal in just 24 hours. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! As for the rest of you, there’s no need to wait, JOIN TEAM 33 NOW! No need to put off becoming a legend any longer.

We’re down to just 32 days until Arthritis Walk Atlanta. I know what you’re thinking… “But Jim, how does the number 32 provide insight on why TEAM 33 rules so much and why I should join?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

32… No, it’s not as great a number as 33. I mean, what is? But 32 has its moments.

32 is the temperature at which water freezes, which suggests that 33 is pretty much cool as ice, but without actually being “Cool as Ice”, potentially causing confusion with the horrendous motion picture starring Vanilla Ice. That said, there was a wonderful quote from that movie, where the protagonist (Mssr. Ice) attempted to court a lovely young woman by instructing her to “Drop that zero and get with the hero.” Compelling words, indeed. And relevant to boot: all of you who have yet to join TEAM 33 should drop that zero (in terms of the amount you’ve contributed) and get with the heroes of TEAM 33.

32. In 1932, Johnny Cash was born. The Man in Black was well known for his song “I Walk the Line” and you too can walk 1 or 3 miles with TEAM 33 on May 22 at Atlantic Station. His famous cover of “Hurt” (while not about arthritis) reminds us that millions of Americans are faced with joint pain and the varied symptoms of arthritis and related diseases. Here’s your chance to help out: JOIN TEAM 33.

And yes, I would be remiss not to mention that 32 is the jersey number Magic Johnson, Karl Malone, Bill Walton, Roy Halladay and Jim Brown all wore. Oh, and also that’s the number SHAQ wore until he joined the Cavaliers. So even Shaq agrees: 32 is a very good number, but it just doesn’t match up to the greatness of 33.

So if you haven’t done so already, mark your calendars for Arthritis Walk Atlanta on May 22, 2010, 10:00 AM at Atlantic Station. Come join me in a 1 or 3 mile walk to raise awareness and help find a cure for arthritis and the dozens of arthritis-related diseases. All ages and ability level are welcome and dogs too. If you can't make it, your support is greatly appreciated!

Arthritis is the number one cause of disability for American adults and affects over 45 million people. Chances are that you or someone very close to you has a form of arthritis. Every day the Arthritis Foundation is working to improve the lives of people with arthritis and get closer to a cure. We can definitely use your help!

May 22 is also my 33^rd birthday, so come celebrate with me. There will be cake (as if you needed another reason to come).

We make it easy for you to join TEAM 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

As you now know, 33 is the best number ever. 32, while pretty solid with Johnny Cash and Magic, just can’t keep up.

Become apart of the awesomeness that is TEAM 33. Sign up. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. Have your name echo with the warrior poets of yore. And have cake.

Here's the link again:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

This is only the beginning. I will make good on my threat to continue sending these rambling emails until you sign up. There is an easy way to make this annoyance stop. JOIN TEAM 33!!!

Also please spread the word to anyone you know – my contacts list is quite outdated, so feel free to promote Arthritis Walk Atlanta to everyone you know.

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email. Thanks again!

Countdown to Glory: 33 to go

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS TODAY. 33 DAYS TO GLORY!!!

Mark your calendars for Arthritis Walk Atlanta - May 22, 2010, 10:00 AM at Atlantic Station. Come take part in a 1 or 3 mile walk to raise awareness and help find a cure for arthritis and the dozens of arthritis-related diseases. All ages and ability level are welcome. If you can't make it, your support would be greatly appreciated! Arthritis is the number one cause of disability for American adults and affects over 45 million people. Chances are that you or someone very close to you has a form of arthritis. Every day the Arthritis Foundation is working to improve the lives of people with arthritis and get closer to a cure. We can definitely use your help!We make it easy for you to help out. Join my team, Team 33 by following the link below:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

WHY "TEAM 33"???

Well... there is another reason why May 22 is pretty much the most important day in the history of earth. That's right - it's my 33rd birthday. And I'm throwing a party that just so happens to be scheduled at 10 AM at Atlantic Station. How can you turn this down? A good cause and you get to hang out with me on my birthday. Two birds with one stone!

So if you can come to walk, sign up for TEAM 33 and join me. If you can't come, we'd love for you to support us any way you can! And if you don't want to come walk with us or support us, well, I'll just have to bother you with emails like this for 32 more days. So the countdown begins.

33 DAYS OF AWESOMENESS IS COMING YOUR WAY.

33. A nice round number. A great number for a Team you know you want to be a part of.

33. A number greatness is drawn to. Larry Bird, Basketball Legend, proudly displayed the number for his Hall of Fame career. Same with stonewalling goalkeeper Patrick Roy, German soccer gadfly Jurgen Klinsmann and Atlanta Falcons workhorse running back Michael Turner. And of course knows that 33 is the current jersey number of the Diesel, the Big Aristotle, the Big Galactus, Wilt Chamberneezy, the Big Baryshnikov, and yes, the one guy I would like to hang out with pretty much more than anyone else on earth - Shaquille O'Neal.

33 A vital number in the world of beer, which is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. 33 is a brand of Nigerian beer, which is relevant because this email may remind you of other emails you may have received from Nigeria. [CORRECTION: 33 EXPORT IS NOT NECESSARILY NIGERIAN. IT'S ACTUALLY A HEINEKEN BRAND BREWED IN VIETNAM, MOROCCO, AND MAYBE CAMEROON AND NEW ZEALAND TOO; POPULAR IN DOZENS OF OTHER COUNTRIES.] 33 is etched on every bottle of Rolling Rock. 1933 was the year Prohibition was repealed. 33 degrees fahrenheit is the perfect temperature for enjoying a brew. 33 loves beer, and beer loves 33.

33. A mystical number. The old Schoolhouse Rock song said 3 was a magic number, so two threes must be, like, double magic. And double magic is something so powerful science cannot compete with it. 33 is also the number of degrees in Freemasonry. It's the year Hobbits come of age. And the number of cantos in each canticle of Dante's Divine Comedy. There is a mysterious power in the number. And for those of you looking forward to the finale of "LOST" (the day right after Arthritis Walk Atlanta!), you know not to mess around with mysteriously powerful numbers.

Basically, 33 is the best number ever. Masons, Shaq, beer? I mean, seriously, is there another number that can compete? Not likely.

Become a part of this. You too can rule. You too can feast with me and the heroes in Valhalla.

All you have to do is join TEAM 33. Sign up. Join us at the walk. Give a few bucks for a great cause. We'll have cake. Here's the link again:

http://www.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=312420&u=312420-211716341

I promise that I will not send you these rambling emails once you sign up (unless you want me to). If that's not enough of a reason to join TEAM 33... well... hmm... I guess I'll have to come up with something better then. And when I do, your mind will be blown. In the meantime, JOIN TEAM 33!!!

If you have any questions about how incredibly awesome TEAM 33 is, give me a call or send me an email.